It has been a while

It has been a while since I felt completely at home, within myself, in this moment. Right now, I do. I am often present. I pride myself in the practice of paying attention. I take care. I plan enjoyable ventures and have fun. I work. I stay in touch with my people. I feel content and good.
But every now and then, my spirit wanders. It's the only way for me to describe it. A part of me zooms out so far that I feel the wonder and the worry of being alive right now. Of having a life. Of having the desire and responsibility to use it well. To soak up every last drop, as though I were a baguette and life were olive oil (mmm). And sometimes, I fantasize of that meal taking place in Italy- or here, or I don't know where.
I believe that if you have a life, you are meant to do something with it. To create, to make, to try, to learn, to grow. To love, to hurt, to mess up, to forgive. Frankly, I am afraid and bothered by the idea of death because I want unlimited time for all that and we don't have it. For comfort, I entertain the ideas of an afterlife or reincarnation or feeling satisfied as a soul without my mind and body. I want to be like Mary Oliver, and be ready when I go- but sometimes, I don't know.

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse
to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox
when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,
I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?
And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,
and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,
and each name a comfortable music in the mouth,
tending, as all music does, toward silence,
and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it’s over, I want to say all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.
I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.
— Mary Oliver, When Death Comes

A special thank you to Mary Oliver (poetry), Krista Tippet (podcast), & @thealchemyofdesign (artwork).